he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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