he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
