I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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