I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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