You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
