I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
