u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize