I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
