not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
