he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
