My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
