We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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