am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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