whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You took a bar mat shot.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
