im six kinds of drunk right now
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
