my vag is so smooth its legendary
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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