Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
