My balls are so social today.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
