a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did i just pee glitter
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
