I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
