he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
