my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
