He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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