can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
