I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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