Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
