i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
