Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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