bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she pinky promised me she was 18
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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