This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
