Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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