Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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