Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize