I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
