I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
