Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
