I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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