just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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