Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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