she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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