New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
