i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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