At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
