good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Someone came in the potted fern
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize