I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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