She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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