Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
