Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
