Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
