She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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