someone threw a dead crab at me
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
