Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
