yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
