After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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