please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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