when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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