WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize