Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
