It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
